sorry its been a while since i posted, not like i have any fans or anything, but still i like to write for me, anyway this has been one shitty ass month for i think me and my whole family, and some other people i know. i should of posted this the day it happened but i was to distraught to and i just don't think i was ready to divulge the information yet on here, so any way i was seeing some one , it actually happened pretty fast and ended that way too kinda smelled that one coming, but anyway on to the important stuff, my rat butterz i can tell was getting on in her short life span, she even had a bump by her groin the seemed troublsome , i hadn't been able to get her to the vet , but i knew i had to make time especially since she began to grow a bump on the side of her face and i was going to take her to the vet to have it removed, but the night before her vet appointment the bump poped and it was oozing puss, so i took her in to the vet as scheduled and the doctor took a look at her and said they were going to put her under and take a look and clean her up, and to pick her back up at like 3 so the time came around i got my butterz back and she has sutures in her face the doctor told me to bring back in 12 days to have them removed, and also that she has cancerous tumors inside of her that will be the death of her i wept for my baby girl, took her home and tried to make her as comfortable as possible, the next day thursday 11th i was getting ready for work, and it was weird too, because my work called me wanting me to come earlier then i was scheduled because someone didn't show up so i was busy getting my stuff together and then i noticed my butterz , that something was wrong with her and i went to her side and discovered she was bleeding and she had bled a lot around her cage, i got her out and saw she poped open her sutures , i called the vet told me to bring her in gathered what i could and my dad took us to the vet, but due to loss of blood and shock she died on my lap told my dad to turn around, my dad comforted me the best he knows how and told me we will bury her next to her sisters, this loss was really hard for me i took it hard and i could not let go of her for the life of me i held on to her for a long time in my arms, but finally wrapped her up in her blanky she loved to sleep on and gave her a picture of me and some yogies and put her in her little coffin and i also wrote on it kissed and said goodbye and gave her to my dads wife to bury i ran in my room and cried, i was going to call off work, but i didn't i went it and i am glad because it kept my mind of her til i got home , the next few days were very hard, i expected to see her run out to greet me or be there to get a treat, and everytime i would tell her story tears would feel my eyes, like they are now, i loved my little butterz you will never know how much, i am so glad my Kyoshi has Lola or i don't think she would of been around much longer, Kyoshi and Butterz were a pair, i feel butterz was stolen from me, it wasn't her time yet, and i believe it was my fault i don't think I should of took her to the vet, because Kyoshi had a similar bump that went away and i think i should of let butterz managae it on her and she probably would of been around for a little longer, i mean no matter when she went it would still be hard as hell for me to say goodbye, but i miss my baby butterz so much so very very much, rest in peace my sweet butterz
this was when i first got her
Goodbye my baby girl..........
after that i felt empty and been putting on this facade of happiness i just don't think there is any real happiness for me out there, i mean yes i love my family and my two other ratties, but i mean something that will change this outlook i've always had , right now i am just living, being there for my family and my ratties, trying to figure out what i am going to do for the rest of this existence because suicide isn't a option at all, anyway, at work there was a guy interested in me, several online are interested in me, but i am sick of this men who think they know what they want but are just boys pretended to be men, so as of recent i've been taking a break and just focusing on whats in front of me , although i am crushing on someone who is talking to me online, he is incredibly sexy, the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen and he is a artist , but for now it's just this infatuation probably won't go anywhere but a simple back and forth on the internet, is love out there for me ? does love exist?
all that plus my mother is becoming a shut in and shuting me and my sister out, she was watching my niece during the week, but she is being a selfish brat and has stopped watching my niece, but i am watching her monday's , and a friend of my sisters is watching her up to friday and then my dad and his wife watch her, i enjoy my time with my niece, and i am glad i can be there for her , i don't even think i will be seeing my mother for thanksgiving even though we invited her and haven't spoken ill of her to her face, we understand she's going through something and we have moved on, but if she continues to push us a away what else is there to do but to stay away .
Other then all that, i try to draw , i play with my ratties and love and cherish my time with them, i want to design a tattoo of all them, and put it on my back, I am addicted to this show called Heros, it's made me laugh and cry and not want to look away, i am obessed with owl jewelry if i like it i want it basically lol. well that's pretty much it for now i am tired but i think i want to draw and then i will get some rest , have to do laundry tomorrow lol.
For now my lovelys
XOXO D
